Abstaining from reckless stupidity

Being a redhead means I don't just have fragile veins, I have thin skin. I blush with almost no provocation and often without even being aware I am blushing. I get red in the face when I'm mad, when I'm mildly annoyed, when I'm pleased, when I laugh, and certainly when I showed teenagers how to use a condom, I blushed like crazy. I think that's one of the reasons the kids always liked me. I was just this normal 20-something girl who blushed and laughed and had fun while I was showing them how to wrestle a condom onto a penis. This did not, in general, win me any points with public school teachers* in Kansas, though. I could be just as cute and mildly embarrassed and game for being teased as I wanted to be, but they disapproved of me being there at all. They particularly disapproved of my pair of life-sized erect silicone complete-with-testicles penis models: one pink, one brown.

The teachers weren't afraid to disapprove to my face or in front of their students right before my presentation. They were happy to tell students that it was "inappropriate" for this sort of thing to be shown in school. People should learn about this at home, they said. Invariably that meant I started my presentations by asking the kids whether their parents had shown them how to use condoms at home yet. Never, not in three years, not in the estimated 400 public school presentations I racked up, did even one kid raise his/her hand to say, "Yes, my parents have already shown my how to use a condom." Not one.

For those of you who've used them, you know how awkward it is, how embarrassing it is, how difficult it is to get it right, especially when you're new at it. Yet it's one of the most important, life-and-health-saving devices that people need to know how to use. And most schools don't show kids anything about it. (They don't in Kansas anymore, in part because Planned Parenthood in Wichita no longer has a sex educator as stubborn and impervious to insult as I am.)

With current estimates of 7 in 10 Americans sexually active by age 19, this refusal to teach kids about using condoms is on par with giving a kid a driver's license without ever letting him get behind the wheel of a car. Like turning a student loose in woodshop class with just a brochure to show her how the machines work and what safety measures to use. Kids have genitals, they don't need a license to use them, and if we don't offer them some safety training, they're likely to get hurt.

We shouldn't act surprised by recent studies that show 1 in 4 teenage girls have a sexually transmitted infection. Hell, that number is a bit of a lie. If only 70% of teenage girls are sexually active, the more important number that arises is that 1 of those 4 teenage girls isn't even at risk of getting an STI. That means that 1 in 3 sexually active teenage girls have an STI. A third.

Telling kids about condoms isn't enough. Mentioning the word condom during an abstinence presentation isn't enough. Teenagers need to see how a condom works, see an "expert" put one on an erect (model) penis, and they need to be offered a chance to try it themselves. Even at the schools where teachers didn't give me a hard time about my penis, they didn't want their students to touch it.

I always thought that was why my natural tendency to blush worked for me. It allowed me to have some fun, allowed me to confess: yeah, it's kind of embarrassing for me to do this in front of 30 giggling teenagers. Now, imagine what it's going to be like trying to get one on in front of just one giggling teenager. Now, imagine how much more embarrassing it'll be if you have to tell your parents that you're pregnant, or if you have to go to the doctor and explain how you've got some weird yellow stuff coming out of your penis.

The whole thing is embarrassing, but if we can help kids get over that hump, we might be able to cut down on the number of kids whose health and fertility is at risk from infections.

*A special shout out to the employees of various child welfare agencies and group homes in Kansas, especially Jing and Trudy and Leon. You never made me feel unwelcome and you were always eager for your kids to learn the truth about sex and learn to protect themselves.